Mindfuckery

Can't possibly think of any extraordinary things to write or to tell you except that I woke up in the middle of the night because my mother and sister barged in like it's nobody's business here at home. My father and I were already sleeping but no, they had to be loud. I hate it. So I woke up found out that my application for citizenship was incomplete due to a lack of school records. Now I have to unearth the stupid record from my country. Good luck to me. This incident brought sadness to my okay heart. I then found myself stress eating at 1am!!! I ate a cake, pringles and gulped in vegetable artificial juice. Everything I ate healthily today went to waste because of my binge just now. I feel fat. I feel hopeless. And I feel very very sad. 

It is surprising how my mood can turn 360 degree just by one thing. See, I have a very weak heart and mind. My body can take all the beating but my emotional quotient is zero to none. I feel hot inside my room scrolling through my phone and obsessing about this young couple, thinking about what the hell happened to my life. I know that I should not be complaining because I am too blessed to be stressed out and to feel like this. But I have a weak mind, and my mind said I should be sad and bothered. My mind said don't sleep even when you have work later at 830. My mind does not care about me. It has a brain on its own. It operates by itself not minding how I feel. How I suffer when it decides to just fuck me up. 

I wish I was in a different universe and then maybe I can have the stongest mind and would not give any damn in the world.

E 

After sales

More like an after relationship. I was not very keen with that. When are our work relationship is over, that's it. I won't update you anymore or bond with you. No effort necessary. Let's face the facts, we bond cause we need to but nothing else. But for the past jobs I have, so far there would be one or two that I would actually continue to be friends with. I say one or two but no more than that.

It is rare for me to find friends that has the same likes, wants and needs as I. I can relate to a lot of people, yes. But the compatibility lies if or not you drink, smoke, likes media, likes to talk and most importantly if you think I am funny. I think the realest and longest friends I have are the ones that think I am funny and people who let me tell my life stories that honestly would not benefit them. They just let me be and laugh AT and WITH me. I do not blame them, I am hilarious. I also secretly love the attention. I like it when I am the centre of attention, if I am not, it is upsetting.

That is also the reason why even if I find you attractive physically, it is not necessary that we will connect and we will be, at least, friends. You have to understand my constant need of attention. You need to get that I would not stop the drama but that is only my way of showing my affection for you.

I am also too clingy.

E

Burn

I set fire to the oven. I felt like Adele except that I did not sing it when I did it. I was trying to make myself a kimchi simple as that. Like a kimchi noodle that is in a cup. I wonder what was wrong with me. My mother told me that I should stop multi tasking because I can't. She always negates everything in my life. My dad always supports me but he has his own way of putting me down as well. I do not understand why they do it as I am their child. Anyway, right now I am watching a movie, eating and blogging. See mother I can do multi tasking and I can give you the summary of the movie that is currently on. But maybe I am not that good as how I would want myself to be.

I hate you speaking to my face when I am answering a call or when I am in a call. I don't like it when I am talking to someone and you are trying to interrupt the convo. I do not appreciate it when I am reading and you want me to listen to something. I want to focus and enjoy the moment.

Leave me alone.

E

Slow

I'd like to believe that I am, in fact, a slow learner. My parents said that I am smart and I think to some extent, I am, because it is quantifiable by the awards and honours I received at school. But when it comes to new things, I find it hard to just take in, adapt and learn what is presented to me. Maybe because part of me does not want to be taught and does not want to accept the change. So I find myself slow to react on things. And I think that reaction, a quick one at that, is a very important part of learning.  

When something blew my mind, maybe an experience, a thing, or someone, it takes time for me to move on. It is as of the feelings have not sunk in. I had to replay it again and again in my head or try the experience again. I have a slow process of accepting things. Like when I watch a movie and it mind fucked me, I would watch it again and again. I do it until I have it all sank into my system, until my mind captured every piece of it, every dialogue, the sequencing of events, the soundtrack, and the ending. The process can take a while but as soon as I got it all settled in my system, there is no looking back. I start slow but I finish fast. 

Same goes when I experience a situation. Say for example, an experience of saying goodbye. I am not good when it comes to showing my emotions. I can only write about it afterwards. When there is a sad situation, I don't cry in the moment. I cry after the moment when I replay it in my head and when the sadness finally sinks in. It may take days, weeks, sometimes even months. 

To me, it is an advantage because I do not become vulnerable in the situation and when I do not want it to be. I can be sad when no one's there but it is no fun not to be able to show the emotions when you want people around you to understand. Moving on is easier when you know you did you part in sealing the goodbye.

E

Church

I almost did not go to church cause I was so tired from the sleepover last night. We did not actually sleep. It was just a party code. We played cards, board games and we took in the experience of condo living. It was all our first time to stay in a luxurious condo. It was glamorous. I had fun until I needed to sleep and there were no comfortable beds. We slept at 3 and woke up at 7. We went to eat breakfast and went to a couple of errands. It was past noon when I reached home. I ate lunch and planned to sleep for one hour because I had to go to church. My alarm woke me up it was 30 minutes away til church time. I only had to walk 5 mins to go to church so I said 10 more minutes of sleep and then I can dress up and go. But I debated real hard as to whether I should go or not. I wanted not to go anymore. I made up my mind but as soon as I think of Jesus and all the things he had done for me, I had to give him this 1 hour cause He more than deserved it. I went up and went and felt his presence all throughout the mass.

Thoughts that went through my mind when I was debating if I should go:

I need to go cause I am praying for these things. I need to be in Jesus' good side so He can grant my prayers. 
What is one hour for Jesus? If I can give time for movies, I certainly should make time for Jesus. It is only and hour. He does not ask that much. 
Does Jennifer Lawrence go to church? Do successful people go to church all the time?
I will just pray and tell Jesus this won't happen again. I know He will forgive me because He knows how tired I am.
Do I have to go to church to become successful? Do I need to do this so Jesus can bless me more?
I have to admire my dad, he never misses church. Speaking of which, he will get furious if I don't go. 
Maybe I can be like some other rich people with no religion but believe in Jesus. I can just say I pray to God but I don't necessarily go to church. 
Well, I am awake now so better go and have Jesus' blessing. 
Oh shoot, some other lady at work ask me if I was going to church this weekend and I said yes. I should really go now. 

E

Root of Fear

I witnessed how my mom almost had a nervous breakdown. It was no fun. It was a mixture of OCD, nagging and pushing away of people. People referring to us. It started when she bought a dog which my sister cared for very closely until the dog died. My mom has this thought that the dog had rabies because it was not vaccinated. She said that maybe the dog bit my sister and then it died. For half a year, she was acting really annoying but I try to show compassion because she is my mother and I love her. That was the least thing I can do for her. What I learned from the situation was how to battle fear. My mom developed an OCD. She would ask for reassurances and would ask the same questions again and again. Her fear was caused by the lack of knowledge. She always complains that she was only a nurse and that if she was a doctor she would know the answers to her questions and she would not fear anything because she can explain it to herself. She said if she had the knowledge and knew the answers, she can calm her mind down. 

Growing up, I developed fears myself. I get nervous speaking or performing in front of a large crowd. I get nervous during the quarter release of grades. I get scared when I am going out for a date. I get scared when I am in a difficult class. I always tell my mother these things. By now she is better and every time, she asks me the same question: 

What is the reason behind the fear? 

And it roots back to a lack of something. 

I get nervous speaking or performing in front of a large crowd when I know that I did not practice enough. 
[lack of practice] 
I get nervous during the quarter release of grades when I know I did not perform that well in that quarter.
[lack of performance]
I get scared when I am going out for a date because I do not know exactly what might happen. I can't have any knowledge about that until it happens. 
[lack of experience]
I get scared when I am in a difficult class when I know that I did not read about our discussion or subject for that course.  
[lack of knowledge]

And how do we battle fear out? By compromising what you lack. You practice. You perform. You experience. You read. 

And most of all, you learn as you face your fear. And then there would be no more fear. 

E

Skinny Love

What I miss about the Philippines is was independency. When I was there I can go home whatever time I want to. I can eat whatever time I please and whatever food I want to consume. No one gives a fuck if I have not any clean clothes for the week, I had to tend that myself. No one cares if I clean my room or not. But these things, I do it anyway because I care for myself. I do it happily. I can go to parties, out of town and I don't need to update anyone but myself and Instagram. I can exercise in the middle of the night. I can wear short shorts. I can wear fitted clothes and I look good cause when I live by myself, I can loose weight because I can skip meals. I can skip dinner or breakfast and I would not bother to shop for groceries so if I am hungry I have to go out or cook to eat but there would be no chocolates, junk food, biscuits or any spare food in sight. 

I like my system because when I am bored, I do not eat whatever I see at the table. When I am bored, I either sleep or watch. Sometimes I try to read but when you are hungry you wanted to go out of the house and get some food. But laziness always gets the best of me so on a good day, I can get out by 3 and eat the first meal of the day and sometimes the only meal of the day. It was not the healthiest choice. I try to change it and eat three small meals each day. I do it every weekday but on the weekends, I can't promise anything except when I sleepover at my boyfriend's where they feed me home cooked meals. Surprisingly, I like it. I feel light then and skinny and pretty. Now I feel fat because I eat everything in sight and I do not have any self control. 

I am getting seriously fat. I don't wanna. 

E

Death Wish

"I wish you would just die" 

That's what I say when I am angry. I can remember how many times I have wished someone else's death. I had this bad habit on wishing that some people just die. It aggravates when I am super mad and I cannot contain the hatred in my heart so I just randomly blurt it out to the universe. In my wish, I curse them and I imagine their deaths. I convince myself on how my life would be better if they would just die. I think of all the bad things that the person caused me. I think of all their flaws and their bad traits. I think of them as bad people and that they deserve my wish. 

I believe in the law of attraction and whatever your mind can think can happen. I am almost scared that whomever deaths I wish for will happen so I immediately take it back from the uiniverse once my anger subsided. But sometimes I can't just help myself and I just wish illness on people. The worst part is, the people I wish dead are the people that are really close to me.

Maybe I am responsible for someone's death because I did wish for it to happen more than once. I repeated the death in my head that when it happened, I was not actually surprised because I knew I wanted it and I let the universe knew about it. So they took him. 

Seems like a confession of a murderer. If I could do it all over again maybe I'd think twice before I wish again. 

E

Awkward

I am very awkward. If the MTV show Awkward has any inspiration based on real events, it is probably me. I remember declining all social gatherings before that includes me wearing a dress cause I feel like I won't be able to make it alive out of the event. Sports was never my problem but socializing was. I say 'was' cause I'd like to think that I got over my awkwardness but no, I did not. The reason was partly because I always try to think how others think of me when they are talking to me. Did it confuse you? My point is, when people talk to me, I tend to think what they think at the moment so I end up not focusing on the conversation. Hello, awkwardness. In that way too, I lose the person in the conversation because I do not give them proper replies, sometimes no replies at all.

But get this, the awkwardness escalates when I talk to someone from the opposite sex. That is when things get very ugly. I never escape a conversation without thinking with malice. I always think of them as a person meant for potential romance unless they are very ugly. Please don't judge me. I am not so sure what triggers that kind of mentality but most of the time, I am right, because sooner or later they will show the interest. Maybe my awkwardness attract that kind of reaction or maybe I was just really right to think like that. The opposite sex poses a threat to my overall normal state. Seating next to me poses another threat. I value personal space, okay? This is a reason why I don't normally hang out with them unless the boundaries are made clear verbally.  My mentality is also the reason why I do not believe that girls and boys can remain only as friends because at one point in the relationship there was an awkwardness and there was a point of malice. Always. Girl and boy as best friends? Oh please, give me a break.

E 

Time will pass anyway

Tonight is the premiere of the movie Catching Fire. I remember watching the first movie, Hunger Games, and thought about how long I have to wait before the next movie comes out. But here we are, hours away from its release. Time has a funny way of playing with us. We follow it most of the time, making us its slaves but in reality, we should be its master, if only we know how to control it. Time will pass whether we like it or not. In that sense, we are its slave because we cannot do something about it. But during those times that it is passing, we can spend it doing better and productive things. We can spend it with the people who matter in our lives. We can spend it learning a new craft we really are passionate about. We can spend it travelling and seeing new places, learning a new culture. We can spend it working a job that can make a difference. We can spend it partying or we can spend it helping others. It is in our hands how we actually make use of the time.

I remember cutting my bangs the wrong way before and how I obsess on making it longer again. I research stuff online so I can mask the wrongness of the way I cut them. Upon obsessing, I did not realize that the time passed by and my bangs grew out of my bad cut. I spent my time in the wrong way and in that situation, I was its slave. I let time pass by obsessing with what could have been if I cut the bangs the right way instead of enjoying the wrong cut and making it work with the shape of my face or with other accessories. It is how the way we deal with things that make us the master or the slave of time. We may be far away from people we love. Probably we have to wait until finally we will be reunited again with them. In those gaps, we can do something good and not think about the future ahead because it will come anyway. You will be together again and it is just a matter of time that will for sure pass, make use of it until it comes knocking at your door. And before you know it, you are in each others' arms again.

Don't fret, time will pass anyway. We will get older and the right time will come but when waiting, be patient and do not be time's slave.

E

Jack of all trades, master of none

When I was younger, my mother forced me to attend different summer classes. She had an explanation that she does it for my own good. So every summer, it was not a vacation or anything for me because every summer I have to learn something new and back then I equated learning to NO FUN. Every summer I would have piano lessons, ballet classes, voice lessons, jazz lessons, painting lessons, leadership workshops, driving classes and swimming lessons. All I wanted then was to learn how to bike. I did learn how to bike after I skipped the painting lessons. Now that I am older, I thanked my mom for forcing me to attend all those classes. Sure they were not cheap but back then I did not appreciate what my mom did for me. Imagine if she has not enrolled me to any of it, I would not get the chance to learn new things and discover that I can be good at some things. I can always work for things.

In all those classes, I strived to be the best. I am competitive and I always wanted to win and be the best. I like being recognized for my efforts but in a subtle way. For example, in school, I study because 1.) I wanted to learn but more of 2.) wanting to be part of the top ten in our class so 3.) I get to attend awards night. I know it is a very conceited reason but hey I make my parents proud. I am proud of what I am doing. But you know there is truth in what they say: "jack of all trades, master of none"

I feel like I am competent enough in many things. I am pretty smart. I can sing. I can dance. I don't see anything that I can't be competent at. I can work for it. But there is nothing which I am the best at. Sure I can sing but I am not the diva. I can dance but I am no dancer. I have so many options that I can actually pursue but I ended up having pursued none. I envy some people who are only be good at one thing because at least they are able to focus on that alone and be the best in it. But when you can be good in many things, how do you choose which path to pursue. I want to be recognized for one thing and I want to pursue that and be the best in that. But up to know, I am always the jack but never the master.

E

Not special

I can count from my single hand the number of times I have received a flower. It is not that many and it still makes me sad. I only say it's okay but in reality it is not. I want to receive flowers every now and then and I like surprises too. I am a hopeless romantic even if I deny it. I want the mushy stuff from a relationship and I want to feel special every now and then. I remember in Grade School when the label best friend started to be in the trend. Having a one true best friend in Grade School that commits to you as your one true best friend as well equals to having a boyfriend in HIgh School. I had one true best friend during PreSchool but because of the class mix-ups we got transferred to different sections separating us. I had to find another one true best friend that will commit to me. I was scared not to find any because I was new to the class. I was kind of an outcast back then. It was so hard for me to fit in. Until finally my mom enrolled me in a summer class which one of the more popular girl from our class attended too. That was when our one true best friendship started. We became one true best friends and back in our regular class, when asked who our number 1 best friend was, we say each other's names. I loved the exclusivity and I felt that I was really important and special. Until we fell apart in High School because she did not share as much as she did before. I did not feel the need to share too. And there, we just fell apart.

My want for exclusivity carried on when I attended College. I like feeling special because who does not? I seek for the attention. I love the attention and the mutual understanding and exclusivity. But I always say that I did want flowers and surprises. Maybe they believed me cause up to now, I have not experienced any aww worthy moment. I am not asking something that you can only see in the movies or read in the books. I just want something where I could feel special and even for a second maybe feel that I am the most important girl in the world.

Maybe it is the little things in life that matters but a little effort never hurt nobody.

Just one of those hopeless romantic,
E

Movies as good as it gets

On one survey I have read before says that people feel the happiest after doing three things:

1. sex
2. exercise
3. watching a movie

I fell in love with the third when I was in High School. When I was a grade-schooler, I never enjoyed it because I did not understand the storyline of the movie. I am a bit slow, I guess. I did not understand the storyline of the movie my mom chose to watch. It did not also help that we did not have any player at home to watch it with. Until my mom finally bought a DVD player and we started to rent out old and new films and watch it in our spare time. I did not know how one could watch a movie and continue thinking about it for weeks,. I remember having to choose which CD to rent because my sister and I were only allowed 2 movies each per week. I had to choose carefully. I had to choose two that I like the most. I remember missing classes with my mom's consent just cause I wanted to watch two instalment of a certain movie franchise. It felt so good knowing how the movie ended. I thanked God that I discovered the franchise late because if I knew it before then I have to wait a year for the next movie to come out.

My love for movies went deeper. I never stopped seeking good films. I seek films that have a twisted plot, good narration, better actors and well-written dialogues. I went Asian, Western, and Indian. I went for movies that needs subtitle because it was filmed in a certain foreign language I do not understand. I went to attend different festivals that showcase movies that are low budgeted but beautifully made and well thought of. I did not stop. I started watching award giving bodies that recognize good films and better actors. I did not stop because I wanted more. Movies fascinate me. I do not want to become an actor and I do not have any plans of directing a movie. But there is something about watching that changes my mood, that gives me good vibes and that makes me want to think deeper. I hated people who say that they are bored because how can one be bored with too many good movies out there? Have they seen it all to be bored? They do not have any right to be bored because there are a lot of books to be read and movies to be seen.


Go see them.

E

Music appreciation

Yesterday as I was busy shipping some young on screen couple, I realized on how little music I have been listening to. I have yet to download some Passion Pit and some Imagine Dragons to my list. I know a lot of hipster bands but I don't necessarily like them just because only few people know them. I give them a try and only some of those hipster bands pass my taste. Maybe I really have bad taste in music cause most times I tend to like the mainstream ones like Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. You can't blame me, a lot of their songs are catchy. But as I mature in life, I wanted to acquire sophisticated taste in music. I want to listen to bands where I can genuinely enjoy attending their concert. I want to be able to sing their songs and know it by heart. I don't want to attend a concert just cause their ticket price was within my budget. I want to fully enjoy the experience and really love their music. I genuinely love some artists but because the genre of the ones I listen to is diverse, I don't necessarily know what type of music I am into. Maybe none? Because I love listening to what my ears and heart love to listen.

I  have an issue with using my earphones when listening to music. I think that I am starting to have hearing problems so I am cutting down time in using them specially when travelling to work. When I listen to music, it should be in an open space with just the right volume. I want to be able to appreciate music in a way that is unbiased by what is popular and what is hipster. I want to listen to a song and tell from the words, from the rhythm, from the melody, from the beat if I like it or not. I don't want to base my judgment on the artist or on the opinion of others. If they say my taste in music is bad, at least I was not stressed out listening and forcing myself to like a certain type of music that I clearly don't like.

By the way, I think can't take my eyes off you is a god song. I like it. 

E

Who you people

I noticed how many more clicks my blog has been getting. I am not sure if those were mistakes or just bots on the net. Anyhoo, I hid my profile because I wanted to write freely without being judge. I want this blog to be my freedom space, a space where I can write anything and everything. So I guess my last post was a little overdramatic. Cause guess what, we kissed and made up. My emotions are in check and I am happy again. I am too transparent for my life so it is impossible not to know what I am feeling and thinking as of the moment. My transparency also annoys me because it hurts me to think how people know what I am actually feeling and still be insensitive about it like how can you not tell???? HOW? WHAT? So I hate it every time I have to explain myself. How can you not get me? I am as simple as 1 2 3. But back to who reads my blog, to all of you who get to read this now, please know that what I write now will be part of history later. 

My whole body hurts especially my left shoulder. I strongly feel that there is really something wrong about it. I asked one of my physiotherapist friend and she gave me some exercises I can do to strengthen my back. Also, I can do more stretches so it can get better. My throat is also hurting. See, everything of me hurts. It must be the weather. Sometimes it is too cold, sometimes it is fine that I do not need to wear my puffer jacket. Tomorrow I have to go to work and even if it is only going to be a 5- hour shift, I am lazy to go. I feel like if I have a car I won't be lazy anymore to go to work. But I can't buy one yet since I do not have my license. I am such a loser. I am too old not to have a license but I didn't feel the need to until today. I always thought that I would be rich and I would have someone to drive me around. Guess what, the universe did not approve. I have to work hard to earn a small amount of money but I guess that is just enough for the meantime. I can't complain because at least I have enough some people do not have any. 

Appreciating and not hating, 

E

You don't text me. I text you. You tell me to call. I got lazy to..

Or maybe I just did not care anymore. I started to feel unimportant so I just let it all go and moved on to better things like watching my shows. I like watching my shows which I know you hate because it gives me a sense of happiness which you could not give. My shows keep me sane. I live vicariously through them and when I need them, they are just there unlike you. I tried to make things work out. You, on the other hand, say that everything's well and that you are doing your best and that you care for me. Well, mister, action speaks louder than words. And you actions say otherwise. I feel the opposite. I try to tell myself that maybe the problem was with myself. Maybe I was too clingy and that you needed space. So 10 minutes out of your 24 hours is a bit too much? Because I am so sure I am not getting any of it. I give you my time but you never return it. I do not even know what is going on with your life and honestly, when I think about you, all I could think about is the stress that you are going to cause me. Your apathy is stressing me real bad. You pretend to care but it is too superficial. I wanted to move on away from you because maybe you are weighing me down, don't you think? Or am I being just too dramatic? But each and everyday that you ignore me is another day that gives me the reason not to even make any effort for you because I do not think you deserve any.

You don't text me all day. I ended up texting you. You suddenly remember that you, in fact, have a girlfriend. You tell me to call you. I make up excuses because I do not want to talk to you because it would never be the same again.

Love is supposed to be simple, happy and helpful. It is exactly the opposite with you. 

E

Anger VS Empathy

Today at work I was so pissed off by one particular person who shall not be named. I do not want to give her a name or create a name for her. It does not really matter now because I have tamed my anger and turned it  into something else. I have turned my anger to empathy. I was debating between compassion and empathy and from what I have read, I chose to use empathy because that was what I did. I tried to put into my mind, forced my brain to believe what I told it to believe. This particular person did not only ruined this particular beautiful day of mine, it started a while back but I always shrugged it off giving her the benefit of the doubt. I told my brain that she just might be under the weather or maybe it was really my fault that was why she was rude to me. But then, it became a regular stint. It was like her nature, to be rude. To speak like a boss even when she was so far from one. I told myself that if her attitude continues, I have to speak up for myself.

I replayed situations where she was rude and imagined things I could have said. I was trying to rehearse for the big day. The big day where I can finally be angry and let it all out. So I knew she was coming in today, and just seeing her name makes me hate the day already. But she was only one person so I did not let it bother me. In fact, I believed and prayed that today will be a great day and she can't say anything to offend me. But then it came, she started with the notes I left for her, she was asking RUDELY who left it. She asked me if it was I who left it for her, I said yes. She said that next time I should put my initials in them. I said OKAY. She said I can't be right with my notes because she always does her job so she was blaming me for wasting her time. But I was not wrong, they checked it and turns out, they printed out the wrong files. I cleared my name out and she fell quiet. I felt kind of victorious inside because I was able to calmly handle the situation. But it did not stop from there. She can't stop yapping about how I should do this and that when she clearly does not even understand what was going on in the first place.

At first I was actually finding out all her flaws -- physically. In my mind, I attacked her physical attributes. I destroyed her with my words. Then, I realized that is not the way to do it. I imagined that maybe she feels bad because she can't work yet because of her accident. She has to stop school this semester because she has to tend to all her paper works because of the accident. I calmed myself down. I repeated in my head that she was just in an accident recently, that was enough karma for her already. She was rude by nature, maybe the accident worsens her attitude. I can't change her, I can just understand her. I imagined myself in her shoes and tried so hard to understand until I did it. I was patient the whole time until I left work. I was proud of myself because I decided to understand someone rather than judging them badly.

Today, I learned empathy.


E

Bad Boys

I always had a thing for bad boys. Well who doesn't, no? I mean there is something about them that you wanted to fix, wanted to find about. They make you feel unimportant and then suddenly make you the most important human being on the face of the earth.  I remember reading the Jessica Darling series and how the main goody two shoes girl fell in love with the not so hot bad boy Marcus Flutie who surprisingly turned out to be a very smart boy. I obsessed with the book only because I thought I can relate with it so much that for a time it was my love bible. I seek it for advice like what would Jessica Darling do in this situation kind of thing. I know I am weirding you out right now.

This sudden outburst of bringing up the bad boy attraction is brought to you by Hook. OK so maybe I have been watching a lot of Once Upon A Time show lately. I could not stop myself from watching it for three straight days now. At work all day today, all I could think about is what happened with Henry and if Emma finally kissed Hook (so I know they did it by now cause I caught up with the latest episode finally) or is she still thinking about Neal. Like seriously girl, I know you love him and everything but Hook loves you too, you see. He has this magnificent accent and slightly awkward flirty way but he like like you. He told you already that he never thought he can get over with his first love but he did because of you. There is something about Hook that is intriguing and adorable and I mean it in a weirdly thought of combination. I know it is not very well thought of. So my Emma-Hook ship sail sail away and I could not wait for the next episode next Sunday. This post is such a fan girl post but I have to share this. I have to let the world know about my love for Hook and Emma.

All I have been waiting for is the kiss. And finally they did it. And Emma KISSED Hook okay? HAHAHAHAHA!!! And please stop staying that Hook is but a pirate. He was once a good brother and he has a lot of kindness in his heart so stop deprecating him. It breaks my fan girl heart.

I can feel my invested feels for this character. This is unreal. I have to go. Bye!

Girlfriends

I don't really have a best friend. I have one that I call my ultimate best friend because I call her that since the vacation before grade 2 but that was the closest our relationship got. We lost touch during our College years when we went to different Universities. We never really exerted that much of an effort to stay close and connected. I can't solely blame the situation because we were fleeting by the end of High School anyway. During College, we have probably set different priorities like studying and becoming a dean's lister versus boys and partying. I think I had chosen the latter. It took a while for me to adjust in my university years. At first, I was tagged as a "probinsyana" which I am actually proud of. I have my accent to go with it and I am not ashamed of it, in fact, I used it to make friends and to be an endearing person. I am not sure how many people I have fooled, or maybe charmed with that accent.

At first, I hated College, and I could not appreciate any one of my classmates. I only had three friends and that was it. I did not plan to push it further nor have I plan to open up with many more people. Besides, I have my High School friends to rely on. As a proof of my unwillingness to make friends and open up with others, during my 18th birthday, I had only invited my High School classmates to celebrate. I regret it to this date.

It was not until I had my heart broken that I felt I needed a change, that I had to open up and get out of my comfort zone. I was finally getting out of my cocoon. I started changing my wardrobe, my choice of shoes, my choice of purses, and I started to widen my social circle. I started to have girl friends, like real ones that are into widening their social circles as well. I kept all of them as my friends and I loved all of them. I was part of different circles and I was happy with all the relationship I developed out of my comfort zone.

To this date, I maintained close ties with my girls. It is nice to belong to a group where they understand you, they care about you and where they develop an atmosphere and a culture where you can be better. It is a group where they would be considerate of your face and overall appearance before posting any picture on any social networking sites/apps. They don't post without approval. It is a group that showers you compliments when you need to hear them when your insecurity starts to creep in. And it is a group ready to listen when you need to rant on how fat you feel you are or how you hate your job or how there's this girl who you think shouldn't be as close to your boyfriend and all the life questions about your skin, health, love and family. Name it and they will try their best to help with no judgments or whatsoever. Best of all, they are ready to hear your chismis -- be it Hollywood or Local Show business.

I think they have set high standards that's why I can't seem to move on from them. And in my prayers, I always ask God if He can send me friends as awesome as my girls back home because the truth is, nothing compares to them. They are the best. I hope one day I can find another group that are as awesome as they are or even just a little bit close.

These girls are pretty much my sisters, not by blood but in my heart.

E

Figuring it out

I was frustrated yesterday simply because my driving lesson did not push through. I feel that my driving instructor was so irresponsible, it was so hard just to even reach him. I tried his phone number and I tried the school's registered number to no avail. Finally, I tried the one registered on Google. Thanks, Google!

I was semi-prodiuctive yesterday, doing errands for my mother and father, cleaning the house -- which I loved very much -- and going grocery shopping. I love doing things by myself because I feel like I do not have to rely on anyone to be happy or to survive the day. I learned independency when I was in Pre-School. I remembered doing my homework by myself with no help from my parents. My mother was too exhausted from work and too impatient to tolerate me. My father was with his friends, probably drinking his day or night away. It was not a very happy feeling, needing help and not getting any. I had to push myself to do it even when I did not know how to answer the questions. I ended up not doing some of my homework simply cause I was not able to figure it out and for the parts that I thought I figured out, they were mostly wrong.

I learned the hard way but I was able to use it now to my advantage because when I am doing my essays for University, I did not need anyone's help. I only need myself to figure it out.

Now that I am older, there are things in life that I have yet to figure out to see how it all shakes up. And I mean, my future like what I want to have as a career, who to marry, what car to drive, what to eat to stay healthy, which exercise regimen to follow to stay fit, which friends to keep and a lot more. I am figuring things out as I move forward in my life but there is something that has been bothering me. I am not so sure if I am yet to commit a mistake or if this is really what I wanted to be happy. You see, happiness is a choice. But I think the choice I had made is not going to make me happy. I have yet to find out.

E

TV Shows

My other blog is dead because I do not want to write something intelligible. I mean, I can't. I just wanted to bla bla bla my way into this blogging thing again. So I wanted to practice and say something or maybe write something, anything.

I wanted to share my day with you today. I woke up with a headache thinking what I ate last night. I feel like I am getting real fat plus I am getting a lot of pimples because of gorging on too much sweets. You know, it was Halloween the other week and we had a lot of candies. I can't stop myself eating chocolates. A lot of them. It does not also help that I am on my period but don't worry, self, I am almost over it. 

I went to clean after I woke up cause I like cleaning and fixing the beds and cleaning after everyone who does not. I can't help it. I am like one of the people in The Help. Yes, the movie. I feel like I can just clean my day away. What I don't appreciate is my mom or my dad or my sister blaming me for all their missing papers, things, etc. If you keep it in the first place, then I wouldn't have to keep it in another place when I am tidying up our house. Anyway, after I felt satisfaction with my cleaning and tidying up, I ate a whole wheat bread with some cheese spread because I decided to count calories today but guess what. My mom cooked tocino so I went ahead and ate rice. Thanks mother for making me fat. And after I took a shower, my workplace called and said to come in later so I watched The Originals until I slept. I watch a lot of TV shows because it is my way of coping with the real world. HAHAHAHAHA!!! You see, I don't have a lot of friends here. My friends are usually busy with work or with school and they have different work and school schedule. Our schedules never match. It makes me sad but when I watch, it somehow makes me happy. 

So I heard my alarm and I needed to get up for work. I went with my dad and we headed out of our house. I did not bother to check in with the weather cause I assume it would never be above 10 degrees. But guess what, it was 14 but it was going to pour today. I checked the weather after I grabbed my winter jacket with a FUR. Too late, I  had to use the thick jacket in this OK weather. I don't get myself sometimes. I was feeling under the weather but it was not that cold so it makes me happy. I was late for work because the road was under construction but it was not a problem. I got into work and my headache automatically started to worsen. It was work, after all. I did not have to use a lot of brain cells to finish all my tasks for the day which involves a lot of sitting. I talked to my workmates and then I am gone when it was time. I felt like today was so unproductive and I am looking forward to tomorrow and to Friday because I am hoping something nice would happen. 

I can't wait for tomorrow because I will have my car lesson, meaning I get to drive in the busy streets of Dundas. I like driving because I get a sense of control. I like to control things. I feel like it is more organized when I get to control things. I reached my house after an hour of travel and saw my sister in front of the computer, as always, and soon as I got my dinner plate ready, I booted her out of the throne. It is time again to watch my TV shows and hope that tomorrow will be a different and better day than today. 

E