Slow

I'd like to believe that I am, in fact, a slow learner. My parents said that I am smart and I think to some extent, I am, because it is quantifiable by the awards and honours I received at school. But when it comes to new things, I find it hard to just take in, adapt and learn what is presented to me. Maybe because part of me does not want to be taught and does not want to accept the change. So I find myself slow to react on things. And I think that reaction, a quick one at that, is a very important part of learning.  

When something blew my mind, maybe an experience, a thing, or someone, it takes time for me to move on. It is as of the feelings have not sunk in. I had to replay it again and again in my head or try the experience again. I have a slow process of accepting things. Like when I watch a movie and it mind fucked me, I would watch it again and again. I do it until I have it all sank into my system, until my mind captured every piece of it, every dialogue, the sequencing of events, the soundtrack, and the ending. The process can take a while but as soon as I got it all settled in my system, there is no looking back. I start slow but I finish fast. 

Same goes when I experience a situation. Say for example, an experience of saying goodbye. I am not good when it comes to showing my emotions. I can only write about it afterwards. When there is a sad situation, I don't cry in the moment. I cry after the moment when I replay it in my head and when the sadness finally sinks in. It may take days, weeks, sometimes even months. 

To me, it is an advantage because I do not become vulnerable in the situation and when I do not want it to be. I can be sad when no one's there but it is no fun not to be able to show the emotions when you want people around you to understand. Moving on is easier when you know you did you part in sealing the goodbye.

E