See through me

I always try to put myself in the shoes of others. You know so I can understand how they feel in a certain situation. But for the people that are close to me, I tend to forget how they feel and I end up hurting them the most. I tend to say stupid things about them to their faces. I end up feeling bad and overcompensating when I can. This is the worst habit I have so far and I want to fix it.

Please self, fix it.

E

Talking about you

To keep the memories of someone, talking about them helps.

Maybe that is why I talk about you all the time. I try to preserve our memories as much as I could, clinging on to what used to be while looking forward to what will be in our future. Sometimes to be honest, I am not sure if the feeling is going away because we are apart or because my interest is somewhere else. Maybe I could blame myself or I should really blame myself but for what? I can blame the distance and I can sure hell blame our busy schedule and conflicting time but what does it matter? We will swear on forever soon and as much as I want to be with you right now as of this moment. I can say that I am more excited on passing my road test than our supposed lifetime forever. I am just not caught up in the moment right now.

E

Panic

Don't panic. Don't panic. Yes, that is what I do not always tell myself because it never works for me. You see, I am VERY panic-y, if there is even such a word. I panic easily especially now that I am in a foreign land where the language is unnatural for me. I have to learn it before I can react on top of anything. It is very hard to be in a position of panic. It is like an attack which does not make sense and puts one in a very awkward position I tell you. Most of the time, people gets it the wrong way. So in that sense they do not really get it. They tend to interpret it as an affection rather than a fear. A fear of being wrong or saying the wrong thing, but for what? That, I have no idea of.

So I panic endlessly and pointlessly. The thing about panic is it puts you in a very ugly position. When you are stuck, it is hard to get out. Most of the time it just puts you in deeper than you already are. I hope there is an antidote for panic because I do not want people to see me as incompetent piece of shit that I am only because I stutter when I have to say something that is supposed to be with authority. I am helpless. I feel like Colin Firth in the King's Speech. Maybe I need some help so I can get better. I need some confidence.

Lacking of one too many things,
E

Pressure

I do not respond to pressure. I repeat, I would not act even if you tell me to. In fact, I would do the exact opposite so I can piss you off, intentionally. I do not understand my satisfaction in that reaction but I do. I feel it and I love it. When people tell me I am getting fat, it does not motivate me to go to the gym. In fact, when they tell me that, I will eat more. What motivates me is myself. I am my own motivation. When I start to understand my problem or issue, this is when I act. I make my brain understand it and act on it. I will exercise and not eat more. I command myself to do that. And the thing that pisses me off when people tell me off is the fact that don't they know that I know that already? Seriously it is my body. I get to see it everyday, so I know when there are changes in it.

When my grades are slipping,  I do not need any reminder that I need to study more because I will study more. Don't remind myself again and again because I will deliver and I will do it. Please just stop saying it again and again if you want me to do it for you.

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Make peace with yourself

I grew up being teased because of my skin colour. I am tan. I am not black but in our culture, tan is like being black. Maybe even worse. I never liked my skin colour though a lot of older people around me appreciated it. Most people my age then were simply disgusted. I am the symbol of poverty not to mention, ugliness. I am also the un-coolest person I knew at school. If people were to choose friends, I would be picked last or never. This is how I viewed myself until I made peace with who's inside.

I made peace with myself.

I did not accept myself right away. It took more than that. I started winning friends not because I was beautiful but because I did the best at school. They wanted to be friends with me because teachers like me. Teachers like me because I am a good student. I am their best student. I started to think that my colour did not matter to my friends. It never did. My friends like me because I am fun to be with and I help them out when they need it. I understood that I was the only one thinking that my skin mattered in making friends and how the world viewed me. I was the only one making a constant barrier out of it. They were not the one who did not pick me to be friends with. It is I, who did not pick them because of my thoughts that I later realized where really bad thoughts.

I have to blame myself for wasting all those years thinking I was ugly, was not pretty enough to be picked as a friend, when in fact, I might probably was and still am. I am the only one putting myself down and as soon as I knew this for a fact, I let go and I became happy. I am at peace with myself so nobody can use that flaw -- or so I thought -- against me because it has already become a strength.

Black is beautiful. I am beautiful.

E

Shire x Capitol

I live in a very cold country. Too cold that you can refrigerate your good outside your balcony. It is good thing and abad thing altogether. You see, when you take a shower at night, no matter how much heater you use, you will still have goosebumps after. It is just too cold. I suggest that architectures in this country build a house that shields a house from any cold wind and turns it all away even before the air can reach in. I have a very weird idea.

It is a curse because our faces gets so dry easily, no moisturizer can withstand this kind of weather. The consequence is, we age easily on the outside. Our skin will have more wrinkles that necessary. We will inevitably get fa cause of the weather. Though I am trying to defy that right now this winter. I will try and fight it. But since we have the cold most of the time, we barely have typhoons, hurricane and earthquake. It is a blessing that way, maybe God thought that we suffer too much already. He just balances out things.

How I view my country is like the Shire with a mix of the Capitol. Yes, I just used two movie and book references. I feel like our city or country in general but mostly my city is like a big shire, safe for our existence. I just thought about it today when I was on the bus. I felt like there is a very tiny amount of crimes. People around are nice, honest, and helpful. It feels like a community where you are sure that you can be safe, if not happy. You can walk at night, and you don't feel that anytime somebody might stab you or mug you. It is safe that way. And people have places to go, there are rules and most rules favour everybody and equality. But in a way it is like the Capitol too because they can see everything. They see what is going in your bank account and it is automatic. Everything is linked to each other. Companies know whether you are lying or telling the truth. You have to tell them the right thing or you will get in trouble. It is like the Capitol but in a good kind. Everything is organized, labelled. Everything seek for betterment. The buses are timed. Everything is in order. There is just that the sad inequality. Amongst the many good, there is still that clear division of race.

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Addiction

We all have our addictions. Some are harmless. Some are harmful. Addiction is something I could not even begin to understand and consequently explain. I do not understand and accept alcohol and smoking addiction. I tried drinking but not smoking but I do not find it necessary to be part of my everyday living. I understand people's addiction to coffee. They need it to stay awake or to be alert at work. People ask me why I do not even bother drinking coffee in the morning. They ask me if I don't need something warm in the morning. I say no. I do not need anything to be awake in the morning or any warmth in my stomach. In the morning, I need to decide that I would be focused and alert in my job when I go in the morning. Coffee only makes my breath smell funny. So no, thank you. Some people's addiction is on books. They love to read. Read like it's nobody's business. They buy books like there's no tomorrow. And when the mall is on sale, you will find them in a bookstore, not on a clothing store or shoe store. My addiction, however, is really bad. I am addicted to chocolates. When I see it in our house, I will eat it. I won't stop even if I get pimples and get fat. I can't seem to stop myself. I want to get over it.

But there are some addictions which seem to be harmless at first where you find yourself dead after. Read: Paul Walker. Condolences for his family and friends and to me! He was a car enthusiasts but he ended dead in a car crash. Life is too ironic sometimes. You will never know where you'll end up. Worse, you don't know when you will end.

E